Toilet + Bulimic = Besties? Not so fast.

This was sent to me by a friend I met recently. I thought it was very caring and brave to share her story with me. I am sharing it with you. Again, I obviously am working on the structure of this blog. Here is the link to the previous story.

My weight has fluctuated a lot over the years, but when I was 12, I started vomiting. I did it for so long, I really did some damage to my throat, teeth, skin, heart…. It sucks. And yes, your body starts to heal when you stop, but I started and stopped and started so many times. It wasn’t until I went to intensive therapy when I was in my mid-20s. My husband helped me through so much of it. And it all comes down to a few things PTSD, OCD, GAD and BPD. I’m on lots of meds too. But it helps, and I’m doing so much better. And I find I am easily depressed if I DON’T get up and work out. It’s been my savior. I tell people that I run for sanity, not vanity. It’s so true. It clears my head, calms me down, quiets my obsessive thoughts. It’s a struggle and a battle. I just wanted to share. I understand the emotional issues behind weight gain/loss. It’s a battle for sure.

The most important part of the binge/purge cycle came down to a very controlling and abusive father. He physically and sexually abused me for years. Starting when I was 12. I became a ward of Texas at 16. It took me years to understand that my eating disorder had to do with my control issues and the sexual abuse. I wanted control over what was going in and out of my body. Actually, I’ve considered writing a book on the topic — the title would be “How Food Saved My Life.” But I don’t think it would sell well. The problem is, I would promote bulimia as a positive thing — because for me, it’s how I coped. My sister became an alcoholic and a drug addict — which are also addictions, but harder to break. My bulimia made my life that I was stuck in easier to manage. In group therapy (get this, I was terrified I wouldn’t be thin enough to be in the eating disorder’s group and I was about 118), the therapist said, “This is how you coped. It was a great skill to have THEN. It’s not a great skill to have NOW. Nobody is abusing you anymore. You have total control.” And that’s when I realized, hell yeah. I don’t have to hurt myself anymore for a sense of control. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy comfort food now and again after a rough day. But I try really hard to balance it with healthier choices a majority of the time and exercise. My emotional eating was due to the abuse and oppression I experienced. As I grew into an adult, I would repeat this pattern every time I had a trigger. The smell of my father’s cologne could set me off on a major binge/purge cycle. An argument with my husband, a touch on my back near my ribcage, certain songs (that happened to be playing when I was being molested). All these things would trigger my “coping skill.” I just had to learn other skills. To this day, I get the urge to binge/purge, but I control it, and I’ve been “bulimia-free” for nearly 10 years. I can still vomit on command (so it comes in handy when I’ve drunk too much alcohol). The most addicting part is stuffing anything and everything into my body — it takes my mind off any pain. It numbs it. It pushes down all the bad feelings I’m having. Then when I would vomit (I’d have to get every bit out, so I always started eating something I could recognize on the way up — a bright color for example, that would indicate to I was at the end of the purge). And there is a feeling that came over me when I knew I was totally empty — a shiver of sorts, and I knew I had completely released all the bad stuff. I started noting what I was thinking about while I was vomiting, and it was always the bad stuff, the bad memories, the conflict I was experiencing that day, and I swear, it was like I was getting rid of all that crap that was built up inside of me. And I’m not trying to promote it, but I’m grateful I wasn’t a cutter or got addicted to drugs. The main thing that’s helped me is to realize WHAT I was thinking/feeling during the binge/purge cycle. I think you will find that a LOT of women have eating issues because of abuse — sexual or physical. It’s the one thing that seems to be consistent with everyone I’ve ever met who suffer from bulimia. This is more than you ever wanted to know, but I see a correlation, and that’s key to healing.