Libbi’s Hissyfit Sure-Fire Oscar Predictions 2011.

Sure-fire Oscar Predictions

Well, it’s about that time again. You know; the time when actresses wear gowns worth $20,000–once, display borrowed jewelry worth $500,000 (my pal loaned me a pair of gold-plated earrings in 8th grade so I’m good), force botoxed smiles onto their stiff faces because they are afraid to laugh for fear of wrinkles, and outdo and updo each other. The actors, often scary talented with whacked out egos (seen Christian Bale’s certain to win an Oscar performance in The Fighter? Heard his 5 minute condescending asshole-ripping of a crew member last year while on-set?) arrive on the red carpet with women they met before they were famous, looking like they’d rather be there with someone more slammin’. Just an observation.

Since I have only seen one nominated film, I have absolutely no business whatsoever making Oscar predictions, but of course that ain’t gonna stop me. So here are my sure-fire Oscar predictions for 2011:

1. My fantasy baby daddy Ricky Gervais will not be hosting, presenting or even allowed to talk to nominated actors, making the evening already less interesting by 95% – the remaining 5% will be made interesting by the dashing James Franco, whom I plan to make goo-goo eyes at all night via AT&T U-Verse.

2. Natalie Portman will win the Oscar for Best Actress, thank and fawn all over her baby daddy, who will break up with her a week later, bringing the legend of the Best Actress Curse to rival that of the Bermuda Triangle, and finally get Sandra Bullock off the hook for that one.

3. Nicole Kidman will be two feet taller than Keith Urban.

4. Best Dressed will be Michelle Williams, but nobody will get it because she’s so understated and cool.

5. Helena Bonham Carter will once again roll out of bed 5 minutes before the red carpet, try unsuccessfully to run a comb through that rat’s nest hair of hers, give up, a put a huge bow in her hair, wear way too much makeup, dress in a mish-mash of black that looks like she was styled by a monkey, and still be the only one there I’d like to throw back tequila shots with.

6. Gwyneth Paltrow will perform the Oscar nominated song Country Strong, causing real singers everywhere to woefully admit, “She’s a good singer – for an actress” but will not win the Oscar for the role for which she had to gain 10 whole pounds for, no doubt being made to add fruit juice to her diet.

7. Colin Firth will not only win the Oscar for Best Actor, but will be tastefully dressed, charming and very likeable in his middle-aged uber-hotness way, giving rise to protests worldwide by middle-aged women demanding that women in their twenties admit that Colin Firth is a sexy beast.

8. Javier Bardem will not win the Oscar for Best Actor, but likely I will be dreaming about him later that night while my husband is whispering “Oh, Penelope” in his sleep.

9. Christian Bale will handily win the much deserved Oscar for Best Supporting Actor and thank his wife in his speech, finally allowing everyone to know how to pronounce her weird fucking name.

10. Melissa Leo will win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, and everyone will say, “I never heard of her before.” Actresses over 40, with the exception of Halle Berry–of course–will be forced to admit that there are probably lots of “really great character roles out there.”

11. The Social Network will win the Oscar for Best Picture, upsetting The King’s Speech, and people everywhere will wonder if Jesse Eisenberg is “that kid from Juno, Michael Something.”

12. The Coen Brothers will walk away almost entirely award-less except for some gimme awards like Best Locale, but really, how can you feel sorry for a couple of guys who manage to get nominated repeatedly, work together, be brothers and still get along?

13. Best Director Oscar will go to the guy who directed The Social Network, whatever his name is.

14. Best Original Score will go to that Indian dude.

15. If there is a God, Best Original Song will NOT go to Country Strong. And anyway, I think Alan Menken needs a couple more so he can set up a bowling lane in his manse.

Possible Awkward Moments

1. Darren Aronofsky and Daniel Craig duke it out over Rachel Weisz. I hope they wrestle instead, that’s way hotter. And now that I think about it, I just want to see Daniel Craig, period.

2. Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, neither who have any reason to be there, may show up with their respective testicles in tow (B. Daddy and Jake Gyllenenhalalla), avoid each other, and hike up sales of celebrity gossip mags with headlines like “Angie out to Steal Jen’s Man” and “Jen gets Revenge on Angie with Hotter Guy.”

3. Having to look at Angelina’s 12 trashy tattoos while wearing Oscar de la Renta and trying to reconcile that contradiction in your head.

4. Anything Kardashian.

My Wish List

1. Eva Longoria somehow got an invite and brings her new 25 year old boyfriend, and that he’s half as good looking as his big sister Penelope Cruz, who is almost as good looking as her husband Javier Bardem.

2. Mark Wahlberg goes on a bender and streaks across the stage, just after I hit the record button on my DVR.

Okay, I think I’ve got it covered. Have I dissed, um, missed anyone?

Wanna hear Christian Bale’s rant?