My Sphincter Twitches at the Thought of Dressing Up.

I realize it’s been over two weeks since I last wrote (of course I flunked math, but do know how to use a calendar – if it’s digital). It’s also been two weeks since I last attended the gym. Big sigh here. I can groan and bemoan my lack of chest tone, but what I really need to do is atone. (Don’t worry, I will not quit my day job to work on a career as a 46 year old mother of two gray rooted rapper from South Austin. Although I have to say, being a Southie gives me some cred. But really, it’s near Circle C, so that doesn’t help me any.)

So, what’s up, Libbi? Well, I’ve actually spent some time in my head. As one might guess, that can be a tricky place. The Cornell Hurd song says, “If you play with my mind, you’ll get your hands dirty.” I think in my case, you’ll get your fingers trapped in the confused maze of thoughts, feelings, and high melodrama. Kind of like a sad, cute little mouse, just wanting a taste of cheese and SLAM! It’s comforting in here, though. I am able to rationalize, make amends to people, tell myself I’ll do better, yadda yadda. In reality, I know that I am just delaying the only right choice by “thinking it through.” By right choice I mean exercising regularly. And if you know me personally, you know that I don’t think a whole lot through anyway, so this is really just another delay tactic.

I do wonder, though, what is it about me personally that hinders my own success? I know lots of Moms who have kids, full-time jobs, clean their house, do the chores, bathe the dogs, change the oil (okay, I’ve done that), get the groceries, pack lunch for the kiddos, even have successful music careers and still manage to find time for exercise. Am I lazy? I sure as heck am exhausted all the time. For realz. I have a hard time drawing boundaries, and though I love my new day job* I am definitely spending way too many hours working. My “I’ll go to the gym after work” plan isn’t working. So far, anyway. I’m usually exhausted from sitting at my desk all day, trying to accommodate someone’s needs or learn some new task to impress someone, and when I look up from my computer 7 hours has passed – and it’s time for a bite, some prescription drugs, and a touch of caffeine. Then more time passes and, well, I just feel like a sack of mud. Too tired in the morning to get up early, too exhausted to go to the gym after work.

I’m all out of excuses. I have to learn to draw some boundaries and put myself first with consistency. I also have to forgive myself for my limitations. I really am exhausted and am a crummy housewife and do have a demanding schedule. But that doesn’t fix anything.

On Sunday, my husband cajoled me, begged me, pleaded with me to walk Town Lake and I went because I couldn’t live with myself if I had just taken another nap. I was so happy to be in the sunshine with people who looked fit and active, even though I complained the whole time. There were many people who were overweight like myself that appeared to be trying to make a change.

It’s interesting to me because I have a gig tomorrow, and the big issue that comes up for me is not songs, or my ability to sing. It’s what to wear. I swear, my sphincter twitches as I cringe at the thought of finding something to wear that fits me. I used to worry about finding something that fit me that I liked, but if I did that now I’d be shopping far and wide (pun intended) and it’d be another stressor. So, I’ll stick with my stand-by Ross Dress For Less attire and take a deep breath in, and let out all the weight worries before I start singing tomorrow. Once I start singing, the worries go away. But that’s about 0.00000000005% of my time.

Speaking of time, I have to wonder, with our evolved brains (not mine, per se), high tech industries, and Kim Kardashian endorsed diet pills, when is someone gonna come up with a way to exercise while asleep? I get about 5 hours a night of sleep a night, which sucks for sleep’s sake, but if that was five hours of exercise, it’d be a different story. Of course, I know how lack of sleep affects you and weight loss, and that doesn’t help much either.

I’ve got to learn to say no to people and not worry what they think if I leave work on time to go exercise or miss a neighbor kid’s birthday party. My cholesterol is sky high – it’s actually kinda serious for me. I need to draw boundaries. And play by new rules. For acting the part of tough broad, I do believe I have lost my balls.

What I’d really like to know from you is: how do you do it? I’d love to hear from those of you with or without kids, with or without full-time jobs, stories or struggles and stories of success. Was healthy eating ingrained in you? Were you a poor eater as a child? Did you overcome adversity? Did you “just do it?” Have you always been active? Did a cholesterol reading sound off the alarm? At what age did you “get it together” or are you still trying, like me? Use a made-up name if you want.

Now I lay me down to sleep…

*A day job is what all musicians call their jobs, even if they have worked at the same job for 20 years – confirmed last night when my bass player/friend Chris Johnson talked about his “day job” and upon questioning, responded that he’d been working there 20 years. Or as my friend Amy, the rocket scientist calls it, her “day career.” There’s always that hope that music will be the job, especially when you put thousands and thousands of hours in it out of pure love.