Protecting Your Heart Made Simple.

Anyone can stab you in the back. A co-worker, a casual acquaintance, the friend of a friend. Stabbing someone in the back takes malice, and pre-meditation. Sometimes you find out about it, you probably get angry, you eventually get over it, you move on. Sometimes you even forgive and forget.

But what about getting stabbed in the heart? Not just anyone can stab you in the heart (I am speaking figuratively, of course). It takes a different situation entirely to be stabbed in the heart. It doesn’t have to be malicious. It can be as simple as walking into a situation with your eyes wide open (or, in most cases, your heart wide open). It can be a simple breach of trust, or putting trust where trust isn’t warranted. It can be because you think you are closer friends than you are.

Lately, I have learned some hard lessons. Some of it firsthand, and some by watching others that I love.

My mother, who is 76, befriended someone and felt a deep trust developing. This was just a friendship with another woman, not a romance. Over the course of 18 months or so, this person moved in with my mother and was, admittedly, kind to my mom. Everyone in my family was happy about this roommate situation because we felt that my mother needed companionship since her husband of almost 30 years had passed away recently. As time went on, my mother did many things for this friend, including bailing her out of jail when she was arrested for her third DWI. My mother helped get her to AA meetings for months and helped get her sober. My mother came to love her as another daughter. At one point, my mother had to have surgery on her back. While she was in the hospital, she told the roommate to take her credit card to use for household necessities and bills as needed. This roommate charged thousands of dollars on my mother’s credit card. The roommate met a man she cared for and started spending much of her time at this man’s house. There were some rent issues to be settled, but she confided to my mother that she was not happy and wanted to move back in with my mom. This turned into quite the drama for my mother, who trusted and believed her. This lasted months and months. The roommate was planning to move back in with my mom, was supposedly miserable with the man, and was going to pay my mother over $5000 that she owed her. A couple of weeks ago, my mom was in the hospital for a short spell. This friend, who had avoided almost all contact with my mother, came to visit my mom in the hospital. As my mom was getting released from the hospital that day, the friend promised to come back later in the day, help her collect her things, and take her home. In the meantime, she asked my mother, “Do you have any painkillers left over from your last surgery?” My mother told her she did and that she could have a couple, and to stop by the house to get them before she came back to take her home from the hospital. This friend stopped by the house, cleaned out 60 days worth of much-needed medicine my mother needed to manage her back pain, and never showed up to pick her up at the hospital. Stabbed in the back.

I had a boyfriend many years ago. It started out as a casual friendship, but turned romantic. I had been seeing someone else but was unhappy in the relationship and floundering. Turned out that I developed feelings for this guy, but neither of us felt it was the right time so we put the kibosh on it. Later we became close again, but it was casual. At least I thought so at the time. The hard truth is that I came to want him more than he wanted me. No lies or promises were made to me, but I found myself caring more than I planned to. This was not going to work for him, as he was admittedly emotionally shut down and unable to care the same for me. I was still on and off with the original boyfriend and maybe there was just too much to dis-entangle and he wanted no part of it.

I have a great deal of respect for myself, and I knew deep down that I could not be satisfied with someone who was not able to give emotionally, casual relationship or not. So why, when this guy was honest with me about being unable to care for me, did I feel stabbed in the heart? I felt hurt, angry, foolish and used. I had already had my heart broken many times, and been the breaker of hearts plenty of times. But I recall feelings of wanting to help this guy learn to care, wanting to help him begin to feel feelings again. Deep down I don’t think it was because I was too much trouble. Deep down I think that it was too much trouble for him to chisel off the hardening of his heart. Did he know how much he was missing out on? I realize now, of course, that he had his reasons. Whether they made sense to me or not wasn’t the issue – it was what his reasons meant to him. Maybe he simply wasn’t into me. Maybe I came with too much baggage. Or maybe he regrets the missed opportunity. I don’t know.

So, here I am, at 46 years of age, and I recently felt stabbed in the heart again by another friend, for different reasons of course. And I am sad. And I am angry. And I feel foolish for being so vulnerable.

What is the difference between being stabbed in the back and stabbed in the heart? Is it the presence of love? And if it’s love, is the love real or imagined? Most importantly, is the solution to close off your heart to prevent this from happening? This would have helped my mom. And it would have helped me on more than one occassion. “Libbi, Don’t give off that vibe that you care. Play it safe, stay away from any sense of closeness, and you won’t feel stabbed in the heart.” Maybe that’s how I should be.

I guess I am a true fool, because I don’t want to live my life that way. To me, that isn’t living at all. I’m sure my mother is thankful for the months of friendship she felt before being stabbed in the back, even if it hurt in the end. And I’d rather walk into brick walls 10 times, bruised and battered, and get lucky on the 11th try, if it gets me to where I need to be. And where I need to be is involved in life, tending to friendships. There is one life, and no matter how long you live, it’s short.

I will do the best I can to make good choices and be open to friends. If I get stabbed in the back, I can let that roll off, no big deal. If I feel stabbed in the heart, it is a more serious matter. That means that for a while, I cared enough to get hurt. That I can live with. At least I know I’m alive. I can take the pain of getting hurt, but I can’t take the pain of being closed off.