Kate Middleton and Prince William Royal Wedding Recap. Yawn.

Okay, I’m doing it. I’m watching the royal wedding. Memories from 30 years ago when I did the same thing as Lady Diana Spencer kissed her frog, His Royal What’s His Name, who proved to actually be a frog.

Props to the ’80s, but I’m really hoping for a better dress from Kate.

Kate’s mom is hanging with some old guy in a gold cape. At first I thought it was Elton John, but now I think it was an archbishop or something. I forget that some people besides Elton John wear gold capes.

Prince Charles and his scary wife just showed up. She’s so square. Literally. She’s shaped like a square, no matter what she wears. Can you imagine having her for a mother-in-law? Good grief. I bet Kate and William have a lot of private snickers about his dad and step-mum.

Really? The Queen is wearing a yellow raincoat looking dress and hat? Blech! Why does everyone get so excited about her? She’s is such a snoozer. Always has been.

Prince William hanging with the irregular folk, waiting for his bride.

Don’t diss Di! I’ve already heard, “That’s why the Queen loves Kate so much. She comes from a strong family.” Gimme a break. Di had more royalty in her manicured pinkie than 90% of the roal family. She’s the only reason the boys turned out halfway decent. Prince William looks just like her. Harry, however, looks an oonch like the milkman.

I really wish they could have some cooler music at Westminster Abbey. I mean Come On! Can’t Elton do a little Crocodile Rock for the crowd?

Becks and Posh: yawn.

Now the commentators are continually referring to Kate as “Catherine.” I guess she will be known as Princess Katherine? Stupid.

OMG she just left the hotel and got in the Rolls. Got a gimpse of her dress. She looks beautiful!

Why do all these commentators have English accents? So annoying!

Rockin’ a tiara!

Hair down! Shocker! She is really a beauty. Loving the natural, beautiful look.

I don’t remember this many people cheering me on on my wedding day.

OMG the ceremony is supposed to last an hour? I think I’d commit hari kari.

Here Comes the bride! I think she’s in an Alexander McQueen gown. Not my fave, but major props to her for wearing his design and honoring him. I think I like her sister’s bridesmaid dress a wee bit better. Pippa Middleton looks slammin’.

She did a fab job doing her own makeup! Yay Maybelline! If everyone would TAKE OFF THEIR HAT, I could see something! I would be seriously pissed if I was behind one of those huge hats and couldn’t see.

I love it. The guests are singing some kind of hymnal. Just like when I’ve been to church, no one really seems to know the words. Not even Elton, with his wild hair. Ha!

This is so somber. William and Kate haven’t even looked at each other and smiled – not that I’ve seen.

“…commended in Holy Writ, yadda yadda.”

“The dreadful day of judgment.” WTF?

Wow, she looks totally nervous and slightly miffed. I wonder if she just found out she only gets to be Duchess. I would’ve pulled some Xanax from my bra and popped it on the spot. Win-win situation: relax and send the Queen one step closer to, well, you know, thereby moving up the royal ladder quicker. Just sayin’.

They just gave each other their “troths.” Whatever that is.

Seriously? they actually said “for richer or poorer?” Ha ha ha ha ha!

She got his name right, breaking the curse!

Oh, crap, now they are praying. Pee break.

Short prayer. Man and wife. Cheering outside the abbey. NO KISS?

Lots of flippin’ singing and hats. Over and out. One last thing:

My marriage advice to Kate:

Kate, when the tea towels are all dirty, the fleet of cars boring, Elton John stops coming over to show off his baby, the halls of Buckingham Palace echo lonely and the stable boys are looking mighty good, don’t develop an eating disorder and eye the palace stairs with envy. Take a look at your father-in-law. Still a frog. You got the real prince. You coulda done a lot worse. Just in case things don’t work out, I hope the divorce isn’t as expensive! Good on ya, Kate. Er, CATHERINE.

I love it: my husband’s alarm is going off and it’s set to radio, playing KC and The Sunshine Band’s “Get Down Tonight.”