Who’s the Biggest Bitch of All? Depression.
Depression is a bitch. Trust me on this one. Trust also that as big a bitch as I am, depression has had me on my knees many times (figuratively). When I am finally able to stand, it is often with some shakiness.
I have received many gifts from my mother. One is the ability to get off my knees, if somewhat shakily at times, even if the house standing around me has fallen down. My mother taught me how to take the bricks from the fallen down house and rebuild as necessary. Thankfully, I have never been tested by great tragedy, and I cannot speak to overcoming problems stemming from that. But I can speak to some things, with confidence even, because of a great deal of experience.
People are often surprised when they learn I suffer from depression, I reckon because I’m always cracking jokes. People close to me know it takes a team of doctors for me to keep it together. I’m not talking about work, music, motherhood, marriage and the daily grind that can wreak all sorts of havoc. I’m talking about a deep depression that holds you down in the quicksand on a daily basis, trying to suffocate you, even when things are going great. I am very lucky, because I realized in my 20s that the heavy sadness, crying, oversleeping and overeating I was experiencing weren’t what my friends were experiencing. It took a much-loved boyfriend breaking up with me because I was so erratic and negative to cause me to look honestly at myself.
I have discussed my depression with many friends and many have shared their own personal story with me. That has helped me realize I’m not alone. I have finally shaken the “Why Me?” self-loathing and blame cycle.
Ah, Love.
I battled my own husband most days for 10-plus years, trying to get him to see a doctor. When he finally realized that he did indeed suffer from depression, I went with him to his first doctor’s appointment. He wanted me there because, in his words, he “didn’t know what to expect.” Since he started treating his depression, he has become a sort of go-to guy for his friends. He still occasionally struggles with his pride, and sometimes feels a sense of failure because he couldn’t just “get over it.” He is, by leaps and bounds, more engaged in life, less pessimistic, enjoyable to be around, less argumentative and more open. A hard thing for him was understanding that he suffered from depression even though he didn’t feel sad. Kind of a mean trick, right?
I am pro good mental health, no matter how you get it. If you can’t look at the world without everything seeming black and concrete, how can you live your life fully? I myself have tried many alternatives to medication, including diet, exercise, herbs, counseling – even hypnotherapy and NLP – to quell my depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, ADD and mood swings. Yes, I have been diagnosed with all of that. And no, these are not quack doctors quickly slapping the most current label on the latest mood – this has taken place over the last twenty years with several doctors as I have peeled the layers off my personal ball of wax.
Depression comes in many forms. My depression is deep, dark, elusive and often painful – and it is here to stay. It is no easy thing to admit “Hey, I’m fucked up, big time.” It’s not easy resigning yourself to a lifetime of treatment. But not only did I resign myself, I’ve accepted it as my personal truth and journey.
Austin Loses Again
In the past 18 months, Austin has lost two beloved musicians to suicide. Additionally, the toll of those lost as a result of self-medicating with drugs and alcohol are high. Suicide is such a taboo subject, and it pisses me off. No one wants to talk about it when someone has already passed, and maybe didn’t want to address their concerns to the suicidal person for fear of prying or losing that friendship, or maybe the suicide was a huge surprise to many.
It breaks my heart when someone chooses suicide. Many people consider this the ultimate selfish act, but I do not. I consider it the act of someone who was in so much pain that they didn’t know where to turn or how to fix it. That person was probably convinced that their loved ones, their friends, even their children would be better off without them. I have felt that way several times, but never considered suicide. I believe those thoughts to be more prevalent than we want to admit, however. I suspect those who have committed suicide felt so much emotional pain, confusion and loss that life was simply too much to bear.
Thankfully, most with depression do not commit suicide. I remember something my mother once said: “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.” Of course, for many people, depression is not a temporary situation. Those that have never experienced depression do not fully understand the power it can wield over you. Those who have had situational depression often get past it. Some suffer from mild depression that is maintained with diet and exercise. Some take a low dosage medication. Those that suffer from major chronic depression like myself often are so upset and disrupted by it that they know something is wrong and seek help.
I worry most about those that live with a persistent, low-grade depression, so quiet and sneaky that the “host” is able to rationalize it and believe they can deal with it on their own. It is a great lie. A person’s pride, especially guys, can easily refute or challenge the whispers that tell them they are depressed. “But I’m not sad!” my husband would tell me, irritable and cranky before the conversation even started. A pessimist, he would often turn to vices or escapism for relief. He wanted to feel better, even though he couldn’t admit he felt bad.
A Friend in Need?
Now I find I have another dear friend whom I am convinced suffers from chronic, low-grade depression. This friend has actually admitted that she probably suffers from depression, but flat-out refuses to look into it further, choosing to “live with it” as opposed to taking any form of medication. Meanwhile, she has difficulty reciprocating friendship, takes little enjoyment in things, and partakes in vices in order to make herself feel better. Sometimes, she simply wants to get through the day. She plays the “I don’t have insurance, it costs too much money” card, when in fact she can afford it. She blames herself for choices she has made and is chronically irritable, easily angered or indignant, and has little hope that she can actually enjoy anything again.
Thus, my blog post to you. See page two for a few tips from me to you.
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10 Comments
Sheer and Utter Nonsense
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You are so right about depression. Several years ago, I was diagnosed with acute depression and put on a prescription. When my job dried up and I could no longer afford the prescription, I did some research, which indicated the depression I was experiencing was triggered by alcohol/alcoholism. I consulted my physician and after several attempts, I am free of the bondage of alcohol and the depression is easily treated with an inexpensive prescription. Thank you for being brave enough to bring this up.
Blessings on you!
lenny
Thank you for writing this. You nailed it.
“Look to the living, love them, and hold on” ~Douglas Dunn
All the best to you,
ron
REALLY well written Libby. Thanks for sharing the courage and the insight. I also believe that life is a journey and while it is heartbreaking to watch those around us suffering, it is still their journey. Ricky encourages me to never say would’ve and could’ve and I have to say I’m coming around to his point of view. The things I’ve been through have brought me here, and despite my issues, I kind of like who I AM and look forward to who I will be. And regardless of pills, booze, or whatever else fixes things (whether temporarily or long-term), Depression the Bitch is still there.
I also feel that there are demons that you can fix and the demons that you have to ignore and have learned that it’s ok that they’re there. I recommend a good therapist – as the key to a lot of it is peeling back that ball of wax, as you say, and trying to understand the core of who you are. And understanding that it’s an endless process of self-discovery and honesty. I know all of my issues on a surface level, but uncovering all that lies beneath those issues is a whole different ballgame.
And that honesty with yourself brings a realization that there are some demons that will follow you around for forever. You can quiet them, keep them at bay, live with them around you (sometimes more noticeable than others), but they will always be there. And maybe that is the journey to self-acceptance and self-awareness that maybe you don’t need an exorcism, maybe those demons contribute some good to a part of you that you otherwise wouldn’t have.
For example, I feel what other people feel. Sometimes I am aware of it. Sometimes not. It was a huge curse. . . . until I uncovered my songwriting and have received SO many emails from people who have thanked me for expressing feelings that they themselves felt but couldn’t express.
In other words,sometimes hearing voices isn’t bad – just gotta learn how all of you in your head can live together.
Keep writing, Libbi. I love to read whatever you write. It’s inspiring.
I agree – with depression comes an acceptance of certain “Yes, I Cans” and “No, I Can’ts.” You can do anything of course, but sometimes not easily and sometimes “not today.” I feel like a truck out in the country trying to climb a small hill. There’s no way around, but it takes several (or 20) tries before I get over that hill.
This is so true, my husband committed suicide almost 3 years ago. I knew he was drinking a lot but never realized that he was dealing with depression but because he was always joking and seemed happy. Hind sight is 20/20. I have had my own battles with depression since his death, was diagnosed with PTSD and given medicaiton. I have been on my knees and face praying to an awesome God to pull me through and have learned to take one day at a time, and not look to far ahead.
But it doesn’t take much to put me in a funk, and I feel like I have to start all over. I miss him soo much.
Your article hits close to home. So much of what you write about yourself and your husband applies to me too. For years I refused to get help because I was afraid the medicines would change the few good parts of my personality. Eventually, and as corny as it sounds, it was these words by Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbyP8gbb1hw) that broke me down (literally) and made me determined to get help the next day.
My wife also came with me for my first trip to see the doctor, and I can still remember the relief that I felt when I was told that my condition could be treated with drugs. I’ve been medicated for 11 years now and my only regret is that it didn’t happen earlier, not just for me but for my family who had to endure the fallout from the dark voids I used to find myself in.
Thanks for writing such an honest post. Even if just one person is encouraged by your words to seek help then you will have saved a life.
So much truth and plain language here. I’ve had my battles and gotten “well” only to fall back into it again. Then feeling “well” is scary because I know the abyss is waiting up ahead. But there is hope and there are ways to deal with it and you are kind and generous to share your story. Thank you.
Thank you for writing this. As I come out of 18 year bout with deep depression. I need to hear that i wasn’t alone. All those year in Austin I thought I was alone. I have been 8 year sober and 16 year drug free and I’m finally breaking free of the fog and stepping out into the sun again. I remember years , year ago somebody in austin wrote about her depression in the Chronicle and She took one step at a time. That was one of things in the back of my mind that kept me going. In today world we are so wrapped up in our world world we forget other people have problem also. i have learn to smile, esp at people I don’t know. Maybe they need a gentle goofy, smile in the middle of the crazy day. I remember the smiles from stranger the most. Esp when friends desert you.
Maybe someday I can return to visit Austin again. If so i owe you a hug.
This is an amazingly courageous blog to write and as a fellow sufferer of depression (nervous breakdown) recognise the strength it took to write this piece.
Even though you tell yourself you’re not alone it feels like there is no-one that will understand what you are feeling as you sometimes can’t explain it yourself.
I have never before admitted publically that I have had depression and thanks to a lovely boyfriend ,who totally understands and supports me through my low times, which I’m lucky enough are now very few(not always had support though).
Always remember you are never alone.
“Depression knows your forwarding address ” yep so does loneliness….Libbi you hit it on the head.I have lived this/am living this and can only say you are brave and smart for being able to verbalize it this way.