Mentalpause: Fun Tips for Menopause!

Ladies, I got my 30th or 40th “purple hat” email—you know, the one that has the old lady in the purple hat who goes from being a young woman to a senior citizen. You know you are moving right along when you get the purple hat email. Or emails with half naked cowpokes resting on a barbed wired fence when you know in reality their “day job” is working as a Chippendale’s dancer. The other thing that makes me feel old is the “scroll down” on the Year of Birth on any website form. Wait for it, wait for it… 1964! Sometimes I wonder if 1964 will be on the list. I’m 46. I don’t feel old, but menopause has had its eye on me for a while.

Being solution-oriented, I’d like to look at the benefits of menopause. Menopause could possibly be the neatest trick ever. I don’t think enough women fully harness the power of menopause. Think Wonder Woman. Superpowers, of the mental sort. Admittedly, menopause has a few downsides, the most humiliating one being that people murmur behind your back, “She’s not usually this crazy; she’s menopausal.” Worse, when you’re hot and bothered, you are literally hot and bothered. People refer to menopause as something you’ve “got,” as if it’s something you can catch.

Menopause is the end-all of the You Know What. Oh, happy day, right? Now you can spend all that money on wrinkle cream. Heavy sigh.

The beauty of menopause is that if you play your cards right, you can get away with so much more than you would under non-menopausal circumstances. Actual examples in my house:

1. Bounce a check? “Sorry, honey, I’m menopausal. I just had a brain fart.” Husband: “It’s okay, darling, I understand.”
2. Burn the pizza? Menopause.
3. Shave your head? Menopause.
4. Running through Nordstrom Rack to snag that last set of Betsey Johnson earrings because you can no longer fit into any of her clothes? Menopause (it wasn’t your fault some chick was in your way).
5. Ram your shopping cart into a car in the parking lot at the grocery store? Menopause.
6. Need a few days off from work? Menopause (definitely call this one in as: “I think I’ve got that bug that’s been going around—there’s always a bug going around).
7. Need the air conditioning down to 50 but still want to snuggle under 4 blankets? Menopause.
8. Walking around the house naked to “cool off?” Menopause.
9. Hot looking cabana boy giving you the sweats? Menopause.
10. Hell on wheels? Menopause.
11. Cry at a Bud Light commercial? Menopause.
12. Missed an episode of Hoarders? Well, that’s just plain stupidity.

The good news is that basically, everything you previously attributed to PMS can now be attributed to menopause, only times ten! Hormones, schmormones. Take heart—and take advantage! Retaining water? Rock those cankles with some snappy, strappy sandals. Any good cobbler can add a little elastic to the straps. And a great cobbler won’t ask you why.

I recently read on the webernets: “Most women find their monthly cycle to be a hassle at some point.” Der. Thanks for that. But I like this woman’s take on menopause, giving a zen characteristic to hot flashes: “The first thing I noticed is that the energy slowly rises from the base of the spine and so I think it is kundalini energy which makes very much sense that it is sexual energy being released.” Ain’t denial great?

Excuse me, the phone is ringing. Be right back. “Hello? What? Hot flashes come every 30 minutes? Are you kidding me? And you don’t feel ultra-sexy? Gotta go.”

Forget everything I said. But hang in there my gorgeous, Goddess friend. Be your beautiful self, and if someone cuts you off in traffic, try not to throw a brick through their windshield (but if you do and the cops pull you over, remember: you have instant access to waterworks).

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By the way, I am not yet menopausal. I made this all up anticipating the best way to deal with this when it happens. I realize it’s irresponsible and frivolous, but what do you expect from me? You get the last laugh here: in my family, it is not unheard of for menopause to last twenty years.