Many people ask me why I am not singing at present, and frankly, even I get a little tired of talking about myself, so if you'd like to know more, read on.

Okay so, why am I not singing? It's not because I'm a stay at home mom or have lost the fire or desire. It's because I have had at least two vocal hemorrhages caught on tape, no telling how many others, which likely lead to a scarring of my right vocal cord. This scar injury is rare and is known as a sulcus vocalis. It prevents the cord from vibrating and greatly affects pitch, etc.

My first surgery was a complete guess as to what was wrong. I had been to many doctors, including one considered the great Oz, who could not tell me what was wrong with my voice. In fact, even my excellent voice doctor in San Antonio was uncertain. He wanted to take things slow with my voice. He did not take cutting a singer's vocal cord lightly, but after trying all sorts of sinus meds, anti-reflux meds, etc., we decided together to do exploratory surgery. That is when the sulcus was discovered under a monster magnifying glass; mine was a medium sized sulcus (imagine the line going down the middle of your tongue--sort of a "gutter"--that's what a sulcus looks like). Instead of cutting along the edge of the vocal cord to remove the sulcus, Dr. Simpson cut along the top of the cord, and went inside the cord and pulled away as much of the scar as possible.

I went to speech therapy in San Antonio, then about 7 months of voice rehab (singing) therapy, driving to Houston every few weeks (ka-ching!) and felt certain there was still a problem. I was also getting numerous sinus infections, something I have always had. Out came the tonsils, in the hopes that a lack of harsh coughing would help my vocal cords recover. Let me tell you, at 38 years old, having your tonsils out is about as fun as rolling around in a huge box of nails with Saran Wrap for protection. I think I'd rather have three more c-sections.

After that, still problems, mostly on vowels, where the pitch would "crack," leaving just air and me with no ability to control it. In an effort to strengthen my voice, I began singing harmony in a band, Dead End Angels, but eventually had a falling out with a band mate and left the band. This was a blessing in disguise because deep down I knew my voice wasn't "right." I feel I may have stayed a background singer otherwise. But I have to thank the very talented and sweet Scott Melott for teaching me how much fun it is to sing harmony when it clicks.

More surgery. My doc and I discussed and agreed on an implant in the muscle next to the vocal cord, to try to push the vocal cords together a little. At this point, my voice was extremely breathy, and not in a Norah Jones way. I wasn't expecting to take home 8 Grammys anytime soon. The procedure (are you ready for this?) is that you get to lie on a table with a bunch of really cute doctors (of course you're totally hopped out on anesthesia so for all I know I was on the {Planet of the Apes) and then they cover you up to your neck with a sheet, probably so you don't get blood in your eyes. Then they make an incision in your neck (I have had three of these surgeries and was awake for one or two of the incisions), and stuff, sew, stuff, and sew in a GoreTex implant in the muscle near the wretched cord. Oh, yea. You have to sing during this surgery so they can check the size of the implant. Definitely not Grammy material. Then they stitch it up real good and Frankenstein your neck, but two times the implant fell into some type of bizarre sinkhole so they replaced it, which was the second procedure. The third time they took it out. I believe they also harvested some fat from my tummy and injected the naughty cord at that time. The fat oozed out unfortunately. So, we tried again a few weeks later. Fat oozed again. Wish this would happen with my butt.

Very recently a new injection has been approved. I won't go into the details at this time. I will likely have this procedure done. However, yesterday at my vox doc's office, he discovered something new in my OTHER vocal cord. There is a small pearl-like lump developing in my left cord. My doctor has been noticing my voice has been getting worse and this appears to be a new problem. It's too soon to tell what is causing it; I am having some lab work done for conditions that might cause it and am on heavy steroids to try to shrink the bastard down. I go for my follow-up soon. If the knot hasn't shrunk, my doctor will go in and get the lil' SOB by cutting along the top of that cord and taking it out--whatever it is. Could be a cyst. If there isn't too much bleeding I may get the other procedure done at the same time, which is also an injection, but it's not fat, it's a synthetic material, so we may have a better result--less ooze.

My doctor has been working with me for several years and he is an excellent doctor. Although he feels my pain for creeping up on forty, he also knows that the best way to help my voice is not through a series of haphazard surgeries. Everything he has done so far has been in line with the "normal" procedures, although I'm not sure my case has been normal. Hey, if you haven't gotten enough gore and want to read about the test for nerve damage, search for it in Hissyfit. It's a kick in the ass!

Now you know why I am not singing right now, in case you were wondering. I get alot of kind people saying "but can't that crack in your voice be part of your sound?" Not to me, unless I want to sound like a tin can being run over by a skateboard. This has taught me enormous patience and also to accept the fact that I may never sing again. Although, deep in my heart, I have a feeling I will. And I appreciate all the letters I get from folks. Thank you very much.

One day, when this is all past, I'm slapping some gory pics up here--then we'll have a "Holy Crap!" post-pity-party! Smooches.